Thoughts from July 2007:
I realize that though I am a fundamentally spiritual person, I am lacking a soulful life. I have a sense of peace and focus now that I understand this. I have been searching for my “purpose”. I have been trying to squeeze my spirituality into a single, focused act – one that would then support me financially but I realize that this is not my quest at all. It may end up as such but right now, my focus is on my day to day experiences, and on the joy that is me. I don’t need to “figure” anything out cognitively as it will sort itself out over time.
I want to increasingly fill my life with deep, soulful moments and I need to unlock my feeling side, my spirit side. Since I have been tromping through the concrete jungle without dedicating very much consistent energy toward this effort, I know the “deep” part will only come over time but I feel it close by. My vision is growing in focus, becoming crisper with a greater depth of field. Even with that deepening, I think I have spiritual narcolepsy. This means, that I feel spiritual and connected – and then I “fall asleep” aka go back into the mode that I use to navigate the corporate world and to interact with spiritually deadened people (that is not a judgment, just an observation). During the times I have spiritually fallen asleep I am also spiritually deadened and the “bio feedback” of living that way then seems to virtually cement it into my being, my persona. I become unable to access my spiritual side – it’s like a dormant seed locked in a thick husk. I know it is there. I have been knocking on the husk trying to get it open and feeling desperate and sad that I have been (seemingly) unsuccessful. I then get down on myself because I wonder why I allowed this to happen in the first place. But now I am working to focus on my spirit. I am looking forward to energizing my spiritual pathways yielding a more open and soulful person.
